"After a While You Learn..."

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn 
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...


-Veronica Shoftshall

I've finally learned, and am living accordingly...protecting my heart with chains and barbed wire, and planting a garden of happiness for no one but myself.  I've learned to live for today only, since tomorrow really may never come, and promises are only real once they are upheld.  

I will stand here, stationary, waiting patiently for the right people to walk into my life, and will no longer walk around longing to find them.  That might sound lazy, but it's no longer worth it to me to put effort into dead-end relationships.  Let me make myself clear here, I am NOT only referring to letting the right man walk my way, but the right friends too.  I have my amazing group of girlfriends from high school, going on 9 years of friendship, and my best friend of all time, going on 17 years of friendship...these girls fell into my life and they are the best things that have ever happened to me.  There are other relationships I've had along the way, with boys, or friends, that have been forced, and they have ultimately all crashed and burned. So, I'm not lazy, I've just gotten smarter on how to fuel a good friendship, and a good relationship.  If it's real, it'll just fall into place, with little initial effort. Obviously, all relationships, with all people, take effort to maintain, but for a relationship as true as the ones I have with my best friends, I wouldn't call it effort or work, I'd call it fun...just plain fun to maintain and nurture our friendships.

I've also learned that there are some people that make your life worse by walking away and saying goodbye. But there are more people, that when they walk away, and say goodbye, you breathe a sigh of relief, let them walk away and say sayonara, and you're life becomes simpler, and all around better. 

And on that note, I say "sayonara" to all the people that have made my life better by walking out of it.

Dream On.

Dreams are incredibly weird...wouldn't you agree? We dream every single night, but don't always remember them, I know I usually don't.

Are you ready for a mind-blowing fun fact about dreams? Well, when you dream, your brain can't make up people, so the random people in the background of your dreams, that you wake up and have no idea who they are, you've seen them before. They're still strangers, but not made up. Cool, huh?

Okay so anyway, for years and years I've had this recurring dream that I'm in some sort of predicament where it's necessary for me to punch someone; I'm being attacked, someone I love is being attacked, I'm being mugged or robbed, etc. In my dreams I'm feeling pretty strong and badass, but when I go to punch this strange assailant, there's a lot of force behind the punch, but it has ALWAYS fallen short, or felt like some invisible force was keeping me from making contact. When I remember these dreams, I wake up feeling extremely helpless and defeated.

However, the other night, I had this same recurring dream again. Only this time, it was incredibly clear and I remembered everything and the ending was very, very different. I was at a bar with some girlfriends and some guy wouldn't leave me alone, but then finally did, only to come back over and put his hand on my shoulder. So, I of course turned around and punched him in the face. And boy oh boy did I ever make contact this time. I did not merely punch him in the face, I hit him with such force, that his nose split open and he fell, unconscious to the floor. Needless to say, I woke up feeling stronger than ever and very confident in myself...Rosie the Riveter status.

I looked up what punching someone in a dream can mean and found that "to dream that you are punching someone or something represents hidden anger and aggression. It may also be a symbol of power and your ability to draw strength from within yourself." Both, very true at the time of my dream. I am one empowered chick!

Writer's Block...

I knew I wanted to write a blog post tonight, but I wasn't feeling any inspiration, so I looked up a list of topics to blog about.  Low and behold, the first topic was something you collect, and the second topic on this list was to write about how to make something! For those of you who know me, or have known me since elementary school, these are two topics that caused some minor and [usually playful] "bullying," for lack of a better word. So here are the stories behind these topics!

1. Things I collect: My family travels a lot, and when I was younger we seemed to always stop at places that had those "collectible" rocks that you had to stuff as many as you could in those little felt bags...ya, every chance I got, I got one of those little baggies of shiny rocks. As you can imagine, over the years, the rock baggies accumulated into a massive amount of rocks! Okay, so here's a little back-story...my paternal grandmother had a lot of antiques, some of which were glass rock display cases. Perfect! My rocks had a new home, which I proudly displayed on my bedroom wall. A couple of people began to make fun of me for it...ahem ahem, ALLISON KUSKA...apparently having a rock collection isn't cool? Who knew.  But now part of that collection lives with Miss Kuska on a frame. Lucky girl.
2. How to make something: In fifth grade, we had to do a "how to" project, so I chose THE coolest "how to" ever--how to make an origami candy bag.  Awesome, right?  Well I'm from Michigan, and instead of saying bag like everyone on the West Coast, I said something more like "beeeg," bag with a really long and nasal-y a.  And forever after this amazing "how to" project I did, everyone at school made fun of me for my foreign accent. Looking back, I'm sure they were all just super jealous of my awesome accent, and I shouldn't have been hurt by the "bullying." Now, I wish I still had the accent. There is a bonus of visiting the Midwest these days though---I temporarily get that accent back!

So now you know a little more about me, and my past, and my deepest, darkest secrets....ha ha, not really. But it is pretty laughable, so have a good chuckle!

working girl.

For those of you who don't really know what I'm studying or passionate about, I'm an Agricultural Business major at Cal Poly, focusing on food safety, all while learning about the sales side of produce at the same time.

First off, when I talk to people not involved in agriculture, and I tell them I'm an ag-business major, I get a look from them like they are imagining that this is what I do....

And then I say I'm a food safety assistant, and they look off into space, as if they are imagining me doing this....

WRONG!!

 I work for a produce consolidator/shipper, which means that we buy commodities from growers or suppliers, take ownership of these commodities, which we then turn around and sell to other companies...mainly food service types of places, like places that supply hospitals, prisons, schools, nursing homes, government funded daycares, etc. We also have a transportation side, which is small but growing! And my place in the office is assisting our food safety manager. That's what I know about my company so far! Right now, we are obtaining current records of insurance, and audits from each of our vendors, and we have a LOT of them! Or at least it seems like it when I'm having to fax each vendor asking them to fill out the packet! 

Okay, now for a little lesson in food safety; food safety consists of auditing coolers, making sure they are safe for food to be packed or washed or stored in, and fixing anything that isn't up to standard.  With the many recent outbreaks of listeria, and E. Coli, everyone, the public especially, is really starting to demand a higher standard of safety for the food they are eating and feeding to the people they love. And that, is where I come in...at least a little bit for now.

Anyway, I've become very passionate about this side of agriculture after I took an agriculture policy class earlier this year, and we focused a lot on food safety.  When I interview for this internship I have, they were looking to fill a sales coordinator position, but when they found out I was interested in food safety, they were very excited, (as well as surprised--since apparently, I'm not nerdy enough to be in food safety...haha) as was the food safety manager, to have an assistant to help him get caught up!

So for those of you who didn't know what I'm about, on the business side of things, now you do. And I hope I shed a little light on what Agricultural Business really is, for all you no aggie people!

Detour.

This afternoon, I was driving home to Salinas from San Luis Obispo, when all of a sudden, the traffic came to a complete standstill just before Gonzales, and of course I assumed the worst--a giant accident, or construction or something--so I exited immediately to take backroads the rest of the way home. Little did I know, that these "backroads" I was driving on, were private farm roads, which I probably shouldn't have been driving on; and little did I know, traffic cleared up just after I exited--it was only people rubbernecking at a minor fender bender!

Anyway, that detour I took was one full of beauty, and mystique, new sights and smells, and left me with a different point of view.  I had never been so close to the fields where the majority of our produce is grown, or smelled the fresh soil of the fields--some fields just planted, some with almost mature plants, some fields just harvested, and some just tilled in, and ready for a new crop to be planted...what a beautiful circle of life. Wouldn't you agree?

On this wonderful detour, I also encountered a beautiful, bay horse, literally, running like the wind in a long pasture along the road--mane and tail whipping behind her like she was soaring above the clouds, head held high like the proudest parent at an elementary school play, and graceful as the fog, slowly dispersing from the valley each early morning.  I only wish I'd had a chance to photograph this wondrous creature.

I also drove past many vineyards, green vines weaving their way around the trellis's that are diligently supporting them. I passed Pessagno, which I still need to try, and Talbot's, which I had the pleasure of tasting last summer with my best friend and her mom and sister, and Marilyn Remark, from whom I have a signed bottle of Rosé, waiting to be shared with someone special. 

I noticed a lot of small things driving down this detour, windows down, listening to 90's country, that  I would've otherwise missed, had I stayed on the freeway.  Initially, I was bummed it'd take me longer to get home, but now, I'm incredibly glad I was forced to take that detour, no matter how inconsequential it may seem. 

Take pride in our mother Earth and thank God above for each and every living thing, no matter how big, or how small. 

"bitch, I'm fabulous"

So fitting for my blog, so I, of course, had to share! :)

SMALL obsessions.

So we all have them, right? Those guilty pleasures that no matter what kind of day we're having, they can always brighten our day, at least just a little bit. I know I sure have a couple!

• First of all, a more recent obsession: mint chip ice cream! I don't even really like mint, but something about mint chip ice cream is so refreshing and delicious.  BUT, it has to be the market pantry brand from Target, that's the best kind, even over Dreyer's or Breyer's or anything else. Cold Stone makes a pretty good mixing of mint ice cream and chocolate shavings, too, though. 
• Next, gritty crime TV dramas, and movies! CSI (Miami, New York, and Las Vegas), NCIS (only the original one!), and Law & Order (SVU, Criminal Intent, but no so much LA), along with movies! Lakeview Terrace, The Next Three Days, Law Abiding Citizen, and the likes. 
• Grey's Anatomy! I watched all the seasons on Netflix and loved them so much, I started watching them again, from the beginning. Why it's so captivating, I have no idea! Maybe because I wanted to  be a doctor or a vet when I was little? Because I still have a tugging desire to go back to school to become a nurse in the future? I don't know. 
• Glee :) I was a band nerd in high school--'nuff said.
• SHOES and PURSES! I haven't counted how many shoes I own in quite a while, but I'm thinking it's upwards of 75 pairs now...and for purses, I have fewer purses than I do shoes, maybe 15 ones I use on a regular basis.  
• Anything peanut butter and chocolate combined...yum!
• Starbucks. Frappuccinos, iced teas--black & passion fruit, mochas! My main Starbucks squeezes.
• And lastly, my most recent obsession: my new horse, Sitka! We share an unbreakable bond already and I love her so much.

I solemnly swear...

Recently, I've kinda grown up a bit, or at least I'd like to think I have...I only have one more year left of college, I'll be working a real, big girl job this summer, and before you know it, I'll be out in the real world, being a real life grown up, and I think it's time for some changes. So here are some things I solemnly swear to be and do, other than solemnly swearing I am up to not good! (Harry Potter reference, for all you non HP fanatics).

1. Put more effort into my appearance and my looks. Now, I'm not talking about getting dolled up for some ball every day for work, but just in general, make sure I look put together and professional when I need to be, and fun and flirty, when that's a more appropriate look. 
2. EXERCISE! I know I'm not fat or flabby or big, or whatever, but I'm very out of shape, regardless of my body shape.  I can't even run a mile without having to stop, and this my friends, needs to change. If I ever had to run to save my life, I would surely be dead. 
3. Spend more time outside, connecting with nature.  I mean, like, noticing the small things -- a flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk, a lizard sunbathing, a child's smile, a new love. You know what I mean.
4. Read more. I forgot how much I love reading. Suzanne Collins, author of The Hunger Games trilogy reminded me how fun reading is! 
5. Finally, blog and journal--on the daily! It feels great to get ideas and feelings down on paper, or in this case, typing them out. It's creative and wonderful and so necessary to remain sane in this crazy crazy world.

So, I solemnly swear to carry out these small, but important things, starting.....now.

Stylin' and Profilin'

Ok, so I know it's rude to profile people, but I was walking to my car from campus yesterday and saw a "cowboy" drive by in his lifted Chevy, dog riding in the bed, windows down, music up. Obviously, I don't personally know this guy, so I can't make any conclusions, but I don't seem to see many REAL cowboys these days.

When I think cowboy, I think a man and his horse, open trail or field, maybe some cows, wranglers and boots, and of course a well worn cowboy hat. These days I'd also associate the big lifted truck and dog with cowboy too, but there are sure a lot of "cowboys"out there who don't even know how to ride a horse or herd cattle, "cowboys" who don't treat their ladies right, who don't treat their mommas right, and are all about appearance.

They have the lifted truck, but do they trailer anything? They have the lab or cattle dog, but does it herd? Does he even really love the dog or is it just for show? They're blasting music, but a lot of the time, all I hear coming from those trucks is rap and hip hop...what!? They wear wranglers and boots, but is it for need or for looks? These are valid questions and I want answers!

I want a REAL cowboy, one who will still open the door for me after 40 years of marriage, who will put me on a pedestal from the very beginning and never let me fall, who will go on trail rides with me and enjoy it, who will treat his momma with the highest regard and respect, who will just always love me, who will dance with me to our favorite songs...a cowboy who isn't just about appearances and titles, who isn't a hick, and is actually a cowboy! That, my friends, is what I want.

This, is what I want....